Here I am, sitting in my cute little office and enjoying the kind of music I like. I'm burning a candle that smells like tangerines and I'm thinking lunch will be one of my favorite foods. Yes, I have the house all to myself! Lovely. It's always been a special treat for me to have time alone. I used to live for that week in summer when Tom would take the kids camping and I would sew, watch romantic comedies, clean house and have it stay clean for a few days. And now, here I am, alone, and well...alone.
Changes in my life seem to come in bunches, kind of like bananas; and like bananas, if I don't deal with them all at the same time they go bad really fast! Graduations, weddings, funerals and the pesky physical changes of aging have seemed to be ever present for the last few years. The rush of shopping, packing, running and just trying to be everywhere at once has suddenly come to a screeching halt, and I'm finding myself thrown up against the dashboard of the empty nest. Thankfully I have the airbag of all those things I've been wanting to get to for the past twenty years. I've whittled down the "stuff" from my kitchen and all my pots and pans fit in the cupboard, my gadgets all fit in the drawers and I'm finding I don't mind cooking dinner near as much. I also have all those books I've been longing to read and even a few writing projects beginning to surface.
On the radio the other morning during a minute spot on women's issues, the announcer was talking about a woman who had "lost" herself during the years of raising her children and now that they were gone she felt as if she didn't know who she was. In a moment of panic I took a quick innovatory to see if I had "lost" myself. Nope! There I was. Right where I had left me.
Although my children have played an enormous part in my life through the years, I am happy to say I've never lost sight of who I was. The personalities that have filled my home and my heart were never so overbearing that mine got lost in the shuffle of living. I am thankful for Grace Christian School that provided an excellent education for my children when I knew homeschooling was definitely something this mom could not manage, the provision of God that supplied the funds has been miraculous. I am thankful for pastors who encouraged me and provided me with ministry opportunities that enhanced my giftings and let me shine. I am thankful for sisters/friends who wouldn't let me forget my love for a good novel, movie and cup of coffee; who laughed, cried, walked, dieted and binged with me. I am thankful for a job that allowed me to be available for my children and yet challenged me to be the best I can be. And that man of mine! He put up with my longings and yearnings for places unknown and then somehow managed to get me there (Rome is still waiting). What a ride it's been, and we are still traveling strong!
Yesterday I went past TJ's room, saw the empty walls and boxed up books and felt a pang of sorrow. The other day I dreamed Kristen and Jolene were looking down at me from the top of the stairs with little girl glee and woke feeling sad. I delight in sending Rosie boxes of goodies packaged in motherly love and miss her terribly. Jordan's family reminds me of all those times when I felt the frustration of not being enough and yet not wanting it to be any other way; knowing that somehow God would take care of the gaps. There is a measure of sadness in the emptying of the nest, but freedom too. Today I am free to share a few thoughts on my blog, run to my favorite book store and watch Dr. Oz without anyone to mock or ridicule me (TJ). When dinner rolls around I'll pull out the big pot, rethink and grab the smaller one instead. I'll say a prayer for my fledgling sparrows and know the Father is watching over them and enjoy a quiet dinner with my husband. I have found myself to be contented and looking forward to tomorrow.
Yep, that's where I am; right where I left me.
